


Seeing Hands

by alexdamien



Category: Dissidia: Final Fantasy
Genre: M/M, Non Consensual, Yaoi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-13
Updated: 2013-04-13
Packaged: 2017-12-08 09:59:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/760069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexdamien/pseuds/alexdamien
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Warrior of Light falls for the Emperor's venom and wishes to destroy himself, but will find comfort in Garland's presence</p>
            </blockquote>





	Seeing Hands

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Español available: [Seeing hands](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4791302) by [Zahaki](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zahaki/pseuds/Zahaki)



Seeing Hands  
By: Alex Damien  
  
It had been the venom in the Emperor’s bite.  
Of course, in retrospect Light thought that the snake in his head had been more of a warning sign than the bad taste jewelry he’d mistaken it for. Something along

the lines of “Warning, Emperor bites, keep a safe distance”

But then, knowing that didn’t help him at all. Not when he was pinned to the floor of pandaemonium, trying not to moan.

“Stop biting your lips. I want to hear you scream,” whispered the Emperor on Light’s ear.

“You wish you could make me,” grunted Light, and the Emperor held him so hard, his long sharp nails pierced the exposed skin of the warrior.

The Emperor laughed, and Light noticed a slight hissing in his voice that almost made the warrior moan.

“Such pride, even in your position. What an arrogant warrior,” he held Light’s hips and thrusted harder into him. Light bit back a scream. No, he wouldn’t give him the pleasure of hearing him scream.

But it was disgusting. He closed his eyes, and wished he could stop breathing so he wouldn’t smell the intoxicating scent that drifted from the Emperor’s hair as the man liked his neck.

Disgusting.

Light could not bear to think about how disgustingly delightful the feeling of skin against skin made him fight to not cling to the Emperor, just to feel another person against him. Disgusting, how when the man’s lips whispered against his ear, Light wanted to taste the poison.

“Pride and Need, they’re both so strong in you, I can taste them on your skin.” Whispered the Emperor, and Light wondered how it would feel like, to tug at the man’s hair, tangling his hands in the long, golden locks.

No.

He opened his eyes, and saw the glitter of something dark in the Emperor’s eyes.

“Let yourself go. Such lonely suffering is useless”

“I won’t…betray myself.”

In the end, the Emperor clawed at Light’s back, leaving long bleeding gashes. And the warrior thanked him for that. Because then, he could hate him, and he could focus on the pain and the humiliation. Instead of in the way he’d slipped along with the Emperor, and let himself a sigh of pleasure…in the end.

The Emperor arranged his clothes and armor, and crushed the bits of blue armor still lying around. Then he pulled at the Warrior’s hair to force his head up.

“Don’t die. It’d be a waste to have you forget this. And you forget more and more with each rebirth. How sad, there is almost nothing left of you now.”

The warrior growled, and the Emperor threw him down on the floor like a discarded toy.

Light waited until no footsteps could be heard before he pushed himself up, cringing at the pain from the gashes all over his body.

Slowly, with each breath he drew in (this air, in pandaemonium it smelled like the scent from the Emperor’s hair, and he wondered if the man smelled like the hells themselves.) anger overcame the disgusted disappointment in his chest.

Anger.

How dared the Emperor think that he was so weak as to let himself put life, and memories, and pleasure over the fulfillment of his mission? He looked around at the destroyed remains of his armor thrown around. His helmet remained, battered and cracked; so he crawled to it. Pulling the horned helmet against his bare chest gave him a sense of security he didn’t understand, but that he wasn’t about to question.

Yes, he knew that there was less and less of himself with every failure he had. There wasn’t even a name now for him to cling to. When he looked at the reflection of his face in the polished surface of his helmet, he couldn’t recognize the man looking back at him.

Harsh sounds of armor approached, and Light looked around in despair. If he was going to get rid of himself he’d better do it quick, while there was still time for his body to fade. He found his sword lying broken in pieces nearby. There was still enough of the blade attached to the hilt for it to be useful. He lifted his arm, it would be faster if he cut his throat.

A strong hand pulled his arm back.

“What happened here?” asked a deep voice, and Light gritted his teeth. Garland. Of all the ones who could have found him in such a humiliating position, it had to be Garland. Light held his helmet tighter against himself. The knot of humiliation in his chest made every heartbeat a pain.

Garland kneeled next to him and Light tried to turn his head away, to hide the purple stains in his face, but Garland had already seen them. The hold on Light’s arm hardened.

“This is dishonorable,” said Garland, getting up. Light nodded, and expected his enemy to leave; they both at least had agreed to a pact of honor in battle. Or had they? The memories of past battles were so blurry in Light’s weak grasp of time.

Something soft fell on his shoulders. Garland’s cape. He looked up at him with rage flaring in his heart.

“Don’t pity me,” he growled.

“I have nothing to pity you for. I’m merely tired of your cruelty.”

Light scoffed.

“I have never been this cruel with my enemies.”

“I meant, your cruelty to yourself.”

“What do you me-?” but Garland cut him off by picking him up from the ground. “W-what is this?! Let me down!”

“Silence. Do you want anyone to hear you and find us like this?”

Light opened his mouth to say something, then closed it, and then cursed Garland’s armor for not letting him strangle the knight.

“It does not matter anymore,” he said, rubbing his cheek to try and erase the purple smudges. “I’d rather forget everything and return to the light, even if it is only for a moment before rebirth.”

Garland laughed softly inside his helmet before walking away from Pandaemonium with the warrior in arms.

“You would give everything you have for a taste of the light you love so much. I must say, I miss your courageous self. This senseless cruelty seems unbecoming of you.”

The Warrior’s eyes shone for a moment at the mention of his past self.

“You remember me? How can you…?”

“Trapped in the chains of this endless cycle, I am cursed to see, to know; and to remember.”

The palace of hell was left behind as they approached a forest.

“Tell me,” suddenly asked Light, his need to know winning over his pride. “Tell me, who was I?”

Garland did not respond for a long time, until they arrived to a small waterfall and he let the warrior down.

“I sometimes wish I could forget, like you,” said Garland, and turned around. “I’ll get you something to wear, clean up meanwhile.”

The Warrior stood in place, unmoving even when the sound of Garland’s armor had vanished. He looked up to the waterfall. It made him think of Cosmos’ shrine. That was the clearest of his memories, he could remember it more clearly than any other place. He wondered how many times he had been reborn in there. A warm hatred rose in his chest. He hated the shrine. In his mind, it seemed like a wall blocking his memories of any life he might have had. But even then, he knew behind that wall there would be nothing.

He walked towards the waterfall and entered it. There was still something left of him. He was still a warrior, he still had the light. And if once he thought that would be worth everything else, now he would have to trust in his decision.

Garland came back, with a long black shirt.

“I have nothing of your size,” he said, giving the garment to the Warrior.

“It’s…big.”

“It’s mine.”

“It’s really big.”

“You could go back naked.”

The warrior said nothing, and put on the shirt. It fell down to his knees. Then he picked up his helmet. One of the horns looked like it would fall off at any moment.

“You cling to that thing like a child,” said Garland.

“I need it to rebuild my armor.”

“You could have taken any other thing. But you always take the helmet. I’ve been meaning to ask you about it.”

“Then don’t. I have no answers, especially not about myself. You should already know it by now.”

Garland sighed and sat down next to a nearby tree. The Warrior looked at him, and then sat down next to him.

“I want to see-“

“You ask me that all the time. No.”

They sat together in silence, while the warrior pondered whether to go back or stay and try to find something he couldn’t even understand.

“If I tell you about the helmet, will you let me see your face?”

“You said you had no answers.”

“I don’t have a full answer. There isn’t much I know, but this is all I can exchange with you.”

Garland considered for a moment.

“A half answer for a half sight. I’ll take off my helmet, but you can’t open your eyes.”

“What? That’s nonsense!”

“Take it or leave it.”

“…Fine.”

“Then, what is it about the helmet that you take it around all the time?”

“It…it makes me feel safe.”

“Armor usually does. In fact, that’s the point.”

“Not like that. I mean that…when I hold it…I feel closer to the person I was. Cosmos didn’t give me this armor. I chose it myself, once. I don’t know why I chose it, but I did. I feel safe in knowing that I at least remember this one thing. That I took that decision. I suppose I liked the helmet.”

“Do you still like it?”

“I don’t know. But…it’s enough knowing that I once did.”

Garland nodded.

“I see,” he said. Then he ripped a piece of cloth from his cape. “Cover your eyes.”

“I’ll keep them closed.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“I am a Warrior of Light.”

“And I’m your enemy, now cover your eyes.”

The Warrior took the piece of cloth and tied it over his eyes. Only when he found himself blinded, he realized how much he trusted Garland. After so many battles, the hatred between them had dimmed down, and since the Warrior couldn’t keep track of everything that happened between them because his memory kept going back to empty every now and again, they mostly treated their war as a job. The thought made him smile.

“Why are you smiling?” asked Garland. The Warrior could hear pieces of armor moving.

“I just…remembered a joke.”

When Garland spoke again, his voice sounded clearer.

“You’ve never been the kind of man to laugh at random.”

“I don’t laugh at random. Hmmm, you do have a deep voice. I thought it was only the effect of your helmet’s echo.”

Garland leaned towards him and gave him the helmet.

“You have always been the most blunt, odd man I’ve met.”

“I don’t know how to take that.”

“Again, that’s the point.”

The Warrior decided to ignore that, and instead weighed the helmet in his hands. It was surprisingly heavier and bigger than he expected it to be.

“How heavy…Isn’t it uncomfortable?”

“I’m used to it.”

Garland sounded uncomfortable, and tried to grab his helmet back. The Warrior pulled it back and left it on the ground, then leaned closer to him and touched his face.

Short hair, square-ish face, and stubble were his first impressions. More than he needed.

He’d always wanted to see Garland’s face, but only then he realized why.

He wanted to make sure Garland was real.

The Warrior passed a hand through Garland’s hair. The man smelled quite…manly. That would have been weird, but after living among men that used more hair products and perfume than the one girl among them, it came as a surprise.

“You’re smiling again. Do you think my hair’s funny?” asked Garland.

“No. I’m just surprised that you have short hair.”

“It’s easier with my helmet.”

“Stubble?”

“I haven’t had enough time to shave lately.”

The Warrior snickered at that.

“I never thought you needed to shave,” he said; and kept all the things he wanted to say. I never thought you needed to shave, or cut your hair, or sleep, or breathe.  
The skin beneath his fingers felt hot, alive. And if Garland was true, if Garland was alive, and he could remember…

Light leaned away from him. If he kept thinking such things, how could he keep fighting this war? How could he try to destroy the only connection there was to his own past?

“Has my appearance disappointed you?” suddenly asked Garland, with a voice so soft, it startled Light.

“No! Of course not. I had no expectations for it, how could I be disappointed?”

“That isn’t a good answer either.”

Light breathed deeply.

“I don’t understand what you want me to say.”

Light took Garland’s helmet and passed his hand through the knight’s hair one last time. The scent of something harsh and manly reached his nose and he leaned forward.

“You smell nice,” he said, and something about Garland changed. He felt it with his whole skin, and it made him smile.

He let the helmet fall, and kissed him.

Garland’s mouth was hotter than his skin, yet softer, and tasted of something dark and spicy.

Strong, clawed hands on his waist brought him back to reality, and he pulled away.

“This…the venom is still…,” he tried to say something, but the truth burned in his mouth.

“The only venom is this light you have filled yourself with.”

“Such nonsense about leaving the light again? I thought you were more honorable, than to try and take advantage of a moment of weakness.”

“Such stubbornness. I am merely stating the truth.”

Garland passed a hand through Light’s hair.

“I miss your old hair. And your old, honest pride.”

“Stop it. If you are only tempting me with shards of memories…that is a worse cruelty than anything…he could do to me.”

Garland left him down on the ground, but his hands lingered on the Warrior’s waist for just a bit longer, enough to make him dither. Light tried to take off the blindfold, but Garland stopped him.

“I will leave first. If you take it off before I leave, I will have to crush you.”

Light laughed.

That wasn’t what he’d said once, long ago…the first time? Light could almost remember.

**Author's Note:**

> Testing how to post in this site. This is an old fic from the time I was active in the Dissidia fandom.


End file.
